Being Saved

‘Cause sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you’ve been up there searching for
Forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seems so small




This is a message that I wrote to all my friends who went to church the day after I was released from the hospital for having suicidal thoughts. I had no hope of getting better, and no hope in ever being me again. I was so lost, and empty.


Hey. I'm writing you because I'm in desperate need of friends who believe in God and His power. I was admitted this past week into the behavioral medical ward in the hospital because I was having suicidal thoughts. I made the decision to call, and I checked myself in. I'm having such a hard time battling myself and my guilt from what I've put my family through. Not only that but I never had the chance to actually process the fact that I cant move my legs. I really want to get involved in a church as much as possible. The only thing is, I cannot drive. And I was wondering if you guys reccomend any churches or maybe I could come to different churches with you and your family or something. Right now I'm using my study bible, in the back there is a daily bible verse in the back and i write the bible verse and what it means to me and my prayers and such in a journal everyday. I really need and want to be closer to God. So close I feel like I could reach out and hug Him. Please please. Anything that you think might help, please let me know. I'm totally struggling. I need to surround myself with people with the same beliefs that I have instead of having friends who mock the way I feel and care about God. Also, I am not allowed to drive at the moment which is why I'm trying to find people i know who go to the church also and could maybe swing by and pick me up. Thank you SO much!


So, I got replies, many. But after I posted that, I saw a couple of messages about churches I wasn't too interested in and actually started to fall asleep. Then, I get a phone call from Gunnar, who is one of the most whole hearted people you could ever meet. But, he called me and told me he was picking me up for church whether I wanted to go or not. And it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I considered myself to be saved before when I was going to CSU but then I realized I was being religious, going through the motions not actually pushing my hands up to God and seeking his merciful grace. 
The next day, I went to church with Gunnar, I felt a little awkward because I didn't really know anyone but he introduced me to everyone, which made everything easier. Then it came to the worshiping, and I was like "la la la yea yea love God holy holy".Then I'm asked if people can pray over me. They prayed for complete recovery from my spinal cord injury, prayed all my physical wounds would heal, prayed that the dark thoughts would leave forever and the depression to be cured. After that a women got up to speak, her name was Angela, and at the end of her preaching she was asking if anyone wanted to be saved. I was so scared and I looked at Gunnar and shook my head NO. Then, he said he'd go up there with me. That day was the first day of the rest of my life. It changed me forever.